May DBT Challenge: Ride the Wave

By Dr. Valencia Agnew

I was reading something the other day about surfers and how they wait for the perfect wave. They swim into it and get up on their boards and ride the wave to the shore. However, it took a lot of practice for them to recognize when they needed to ride the wave and even how to ride it skillfully. All of this made me think about how we can be mindful of riding the waves in our lives.

Trying to hop up on the board and ride a wave that really is just a ripple or a baby wave is doing too much for the situation at hand. Ever have one of those times when you just knew you were doing the most? You knew it didn’t take all of that for the situation. You exerted so much energy and effort on the ripple that you didn’t have the energy when the big wave came.

The good news is that there is a skill for that. Doing Better, Being Better, and Thinking Better includes riding the waves of life. It may mean dealing with a flood of emotions, it may mean dealing with an urge to engage in a behavior that in the long run is not helpful (giving someone a piece of your mind, drinking, impulsive behaviors, or destructive behaviors, and the list goes on). It is about observing the situation and coping with it without trying to change it or make it something it is not.

Here's How You Do It:

If you are trying hard to push the feeling away or giving in to your emotions by acting impulsively, you are definitely not riding the wave.

1. Notice how you feel. You can’t stop waves from coming towards you. Like a wave, try not to push away or take hold of the feeling. Trying to control a strong wave makes for a losing battle.

2. Name the emotion. What is it, what word describes it?

3. Accept the emotion. What triggered it? Don’t judge it, don’t condone it, just allow it to be.

4. Investigate the emotion. How intense is it? What are you feeling physically and emotionally? How is your breathing? You do not have to act on the emotion; just ride the wave. You can even try to remember moments when you experienced more positive emotions and recognize they will return.

5. Allow and release the emotion. Just notice and allow your thought. Release yourself from judgments of your thoughts and playing tug-of-war with them. Take some deep breaths. Try not to assign positive or negative thoughts to this feeling. Accept that this feeling is part of you right now, AND it is temporary.

Think of riding back to shore as a return to baseline of emotions, as calm and stable. Of course it’s easier said than done, but well worth the practice if and when you find yourself needing to ride a wave.

Why Be Skillful?

It can help keep painful moments from turning into suffering. I imagine, surfer being tossed around before learning to ride the wave. The ocean did not change from being the same powerful force it already was. The surfer learned how to not fight it and ride it back to shore. It is not easy learning to surf, well that is just my guess, and learning to surf emotions is not easy, and that I know personally.

Your DBT Challenge:

First start with emotions you enjoy. Just sit with it and do nothing. Notice it, name it, investigate it, allow it and release it. Now in the case of an emotion you enjoy, release may look more like taking a mental photo so that you can return to the feeling later.

Then choose any emotion during the day and do the same process. Don’t hold on to the emotion, release it so that you can experience other emotions later too.

And finally, try riding the wave doing the same steps with an unpleasant emotion.

Try some new skills out today! Send us an email (AFBHS@comcast.net) or share with us on Facebook what skills your tried.