For many years - decades, really - I have been striving towards a state I call not-wanting.

As many of you know, my initial aspirations were wildly misguided as I focused on not wanting food, calories, weight...the exact sort of not-wanting that can transform a reasonably healthy tween into a totally unhealthy anorexic teen.

Later, as I got better at this sort of not-wanting and my efforts made a sharp turn away from unhealthy and towards deadly, I decided to focus more specifically on not-wanting to die. Happily, this eventually resulted in recovery and a much healthier and more functional me.

Along the way, I discovered meditation. This led me once again to not-wanting, this time as a lifestyle choice in preparation for what many yogis and meditation masters call a "good death." After all, I reasoned, if I am going to die anyway and I only get one shot at it, I want to make sure it's a good one.

Why am I telling you all this? Basically, it is because I only just now realized that all the well-intentioned not-wanting in the world will never block out the pure and potent wanting that stretches down into the deepest fibers of my being.

I have also learned that this perpetual state of wanting is programmed right into our most fundamental hardwiring. For example, we all want food, water, shelter, to not get eaten. We all want connection. We all want to find our place in this world, whether it is our place in the pack or around the conference table. And we all want to fully be who we are - to fulfill our potential.

But only homo sapiens (us) have that large and pesky pre-frontal cortex to interfere with our deep knowledge and acceptance of what we want. Here, I mean what we REALLY want, not what our mind says we "should" want or what is reasonable to want or what we believe we are allowed to want or can want and actually get.

By the way, the difference between us and all other species in this area is HUGE.

I see it all the time with my trio. While I stew in a mental cesspool of indecision, continually second-guessing how I direct my energy, focus and ambition, Pearl heads straight for the crispy flingable off-limits laptop keyboard keys yet again, prying the keys off one by one and sending each one flying in a joyful skittering arc across the kitchen floor.

While I worry and wonder about whether it is right or reasonable to go for what I want, Malti reaches up and decisively rips off that huge cactus leaf, settling her increasingly sizable bulk down on top of one half of it while making a nice snack out of the other half.

As I attempt and then abort yet another creative writing project, arguing amongst myself about whether it has any intrinsic and thus worthwhile value to this world, Bruce clambers up the side of his wire mesh enclosure, heading for the freedom of the green, green grass and the lovely lady box turtle he is sure he will find waiting for him there.

To Pearl, Malti and Bruce, what they want is so simple, so innocent, so trustworthy, so clear. They don't doubt their fundamental desires. They don't waste a moment holding themselves back. They don't THINK their desires at all. They FEEL them, and that feeling is what sets them free to trust and act.

Not-wanting is a noble aspiration for sure. It is selfless and mature and surprisingly attainable. But it just isn't true, at least not for me.

Here is what IS true for me, in terms of what I truly, deeply want, in no particular order.
{Big, deep breath....GO!}

There is more. There are other wants, additional deep irrefutable, undeniable, pure and worthy wants where those came from. But these are the highlights.

Join me? What do you really, REALLY want?

with great love and respect,

Shannon