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Relational Growth Challenge: Return to Love

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Our human brains are wired to focus on danger, threat, and things that are wrong. Much of our mental operating system is still running on ancient software: responding to a flicker of disapproval on our partner's face as if it were a python in the brush. We get locked in power struggles, snap at one another with criticisms or make repeated defensive comments. We harbor resentment long after disagreements are over. Often, we reinforce a sense of danger, threat and disconnection that doesn't truly exist... until we create it.

Returning to love is a skill. It takes practice. A lot of practice. A whole lot of practice. It's a conscious choice to broaden your perspective. It's a choice we can make more naturally when we make the effort to choose it repeatedly over time. It's a momentary decision that gradually develops, if it's chosen often enough, into a habit: to notice reactivity a split second before it emerges and then, to pause. In that pause, it's possible to assess the external danger more realistically and recognize the internal brush fires we can choose to put out. We don't have to fan them into raging infernos with our judgements, assumptions and projections.

Look for those small moments of conflict with your partner this week. When they come, be glad. Seriously. Without these opportunities, how would you practice? Pause, notice the story, and drop it. See if you can observe the flickering movements in the brush before reacting with fear or anger. See what happens if you practice returning to love.

 
 
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