A few years ago I went through a divorce. A great many things in my life fell apart, one by one by one. It was massive whole life destruction of the worst variety. I watched my life shift and fracture into so many pieces I didn’t even know that level of pain nor consequence was possible. I self-soothed in the worst ways adding yet another failed relationship into the mix. The compounding heartache & losses alone were a huge wake-up call for me, but what tipped me over the edge was realizing if I kept going the way I was I would literally not survive to watch my children grow up. I decided it was time to do some major soul searching into my culpability & take 100% responsibility for all that I’d done to myself going back several years, even decades. (I'll say more on the divorce & remarriage in future newsletters; the trauma of the past 4 years is no doubt reflected in the many steps I've taken to live a healthy & peace-filled life).
As an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse it’s very easy to fall into a line of thinking that prohibits growth of any kind, and that’s exactly what I’d done. For most of my adult life, on a subterranean level, I truly believed I was worthless. And my actions were a predictable reflection of that unholy lie. My intimate relationships with men were constantly in tatters.
The complete healing process began in earnest in late 2014 when I attended a week long retreat for survivors like myself who’s abuse & subsequent behaviors surrounding sex, sexuality, marriage & relationships had become such a hindrance to their well being, an intervention environment is necessary. They say the retreat is like getting a solid year worth of therapy & I agree! Attending the Bethesda healing workshop for women was one of the best things I’ve ever done in the name of self-love & becoming the whole woman God created me to be.
Some of us have to hit rock bottom in order to truly seek help. Unfortunately for me, that was the case. I paid thousands of dollars, stepped into that retreat willingly, on my own accord, sat my booty down and soaked up every last little bit of knowledge I could get my hands on. I can't yet explain the depth of the gift of that workshop, but like most things it took some time to work itself out. In truth, it probably took about 3 full years for the full weight of what I learned there to sink in fully & to produce the type of massive behavioral changes I was hoping & praying for. Better late than never, eh?
For the last couple of years, life continued to unfold painfully. The storms came in various unexpected forms; a painful job lay-off, two miscarriages & my new husband of 4 months began suffering from severe depression. As he wrestled his own demons it produced mountains of straight up traumatizing pain for me that I'm still recovering from. In a new, happy marriage, his 180 turn obviously took me completely & wildly off guard. He was unable to find work near our home forcing him to live out of state for the first 14 months of marriage while I carried & gave birth to our daughter. We were attempting to blend a blended family long-distance on a shoe string budget. The political climate as a black woman, writer & activist was breaking my heart daily. And I do mean daily. Between all of this + my mothers mental illness I’m telling you this: I was badly traumatized & losing it!
At this point one year ago, the Holy Spirit warned me: Grace! Get it together! NOW! I listened. I spent all of 2017 in daily pursuit of peace, mindfulness, joy, gratitude & epic self-love after years (and years) of negative self-talk & active self-sabotage, let alone caring for myself in real or tangible ways.
When I launched my health & wellness business in March 2017 initially it was to focus solely on weight loss. My husband, Dionne & I were both overweight. Besides just having had a baby, we’d both struggled with depression + comfort eating likely due to the insane amount of stress we were facing financially & in all the ways. As I built strategies into my life to handle the stress, amazing things began to take place: we lost weight! We felt great! My business started to pick up as did our financial situation. (By the by, he’s lost almost 75 pounds & I’ve lost 25 and we feel like sexy mofo’s)! Dionne & I have invested hundreds of hours working together to heal our marriage & our individual issues. If you're married than you know I'll probably follow that statement with "it's hard." Yes that's very true. Hard is an understatement. But, there's also something very beautiful about the redemption story we have. Again, that story is too long for this newsletter but MAN OH MAN, if y'all knew what we've both been through as children, individually, as a couple and the work God has done to heal us, it's nothing other than miraculous. If you want a miracle story, I've got a helluva good one! There simply is no other explanation for the type of changes we've both made other than God's miraculous handiwork. Not to mention the fact that our marriage survived all of it.
From the outside looking in, my 2017 may not have seemed monumental but let me assure you, Chile it absolutely was. When I reflect on my past 4-6 years I cannot believe what I've survived. Some days I'm in awe of my bravery that I've been able to somehow trust in God's strength to summon the courage necessary to face hard things over & over & over again though I am surely worn down. Other days aren't so great and perhaps a pity-party will ensue for all the horrible mistakes I've personally made dating back to my high school boyfriend. The pressure of the guilt can be suffocating. I've learned there's strategies for that too.
And here we are now. Massive WHOLE LIFE changes were made in 2017 to ensure my basic survival which led to so much growth, healing & empowerment that I'm finally ready to give it away to others who need it. This next phase is about continuing to grow myself, learn a lot along the way and invite you to join me in becoming a more whole woman (or man).
These weekly newsletters are going to include my musings, ideas, thoughts & suggestions on the following topics. I'll probably hit on 3 a week or so.
