7 WAYS TO CREATE CONVERSATION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

by Amy Ensminger

First, let me clarify that when I say “conversation” – I’m NOT referring to those conversations you need to have about an offense, frustration, hurt, or resentment. I’m referring to those times when you just want to talk for a few minutes or more and that talk is meaningful. The kind of talking that creates intimacy, trust and friendship between you.

For most of you, the memory of talking for hours together or on the phone when you first met or married didn’t seem unlikely. You couldn’t wait to be with them; talk to them; touch them or do things with them. For some, you are still there and that's fantastic keep up the great work! However, for most reading this article, conversation or maybe even your relationship is non-existent, forced or living as perfect roommates.

Did you know that the lack of communication is one of the most visible signs that there is trouble in your relationship? If you are there already, let's look at what part of the problem might be by answering this question -- what’s different about today vs. when times were good between you?

Now, before you answer that question by pointing a finger at how much they’ve changed and it's all their fault, let’s look at what you can control first ... you. How much have you changed in how you interact, react, connect, love and respect them? How much quality time do you spend with them vs. with all the distractions in your world? When is the last time that you said “thank you” or appreciated them for what they do for you and/or the family? When's the last time you apologized or asked them to forgive you, when you were wrong? When is the last time you helped them with something without them having to ask or without you expecting something in return? When's the last time you held a grudge and wouldn't let it go?

When is the last time … well, you get the picture. When there are issues in the relationship, it's important for you to look at your bad habits or behaviors vs. theirs first. After-all, it's at least half the problem with why you stopped talking with one another. By creating change with you first, it may very well inspire them to do the same.

Guidelines for creating or re-creating conversation:

Seven Tips on How to Create Conversation:

• Set aside 15 minutes at the end of the day to discuss and reflect on your respective day's activities (remember no talking about problems, bills, jobs, illnesses or kids and no distractions).
• Make a meal rule of only conversation, even it’s with you and your family. In other words, no cell phones. If you don’t know what to talk about – go around the table and share your “high’s” and “low’s” for the day with one another (remember no talking about problems, bills, jobs, illnesses or kids and no distractions).
• Write a monthly date night into your schedule and take turns planning the whole thing (remember no talking about problems, bills, jobs, illnesses or kids and no distractions).
• Get together for lunch once a week (remember no talking about problems, bills, jobs, illnesses or kids and no distractions).
• As a couple, do something together and do something FUN (remember no talking about problems, bills, jobs, illnesses or kids and no distractions).
• Take a walk together after dinner (remember no talking about problems, bills, jobs, illnesses or kids and no distractions).
• Lay in bed and snuggle with the lights off and talk about your favorite memories of holidays, dating, wedding, trips, etc. (remember no talking about problems, bills, jobs, illnesses or kids and no distractions).

Lastly, another guideline that I want to strongly recommend is knowing the importance that you both feel heard so be sure and listen to when the other is talking. BTW, if you want to encourage more conversation or if you didn’t understand them or if you have a question say things like – “I’m curious, can you tell me more about _____”.

See below "Homework & Suggestions" section for Creating Conversations with your Spouse

HOMEWORK & SUGGESTIONS

HOMEWORK:

Purchase the book “Love Talk Starters” online and start sharing with one another your answers to questions in that book.

SUGGESTION:

There is SO much to learn in knowing how to communicate and listen with your spouse. The best place we know for you to fast-track that learning is by attending the following:

• 2.5-Day CIR Couples Seminar: (Hurry we have a $200 off gift certificate in honor of Valentines Day available for the CIR Couples Seminar on February 22-24 in Carrollton, TX. Act fast, there are only 2 available). For more information, go to: www.cirtraining.com

• 1-Day Love2Love Workshops there are different topics for each Workshop. (Be sure and reserve your seat for the March Love2Love Workshop it’s on “Communication”). For more information, go to: www.cirtraining.com

CHALLENGE:

Where do you struggle the most with your bad behaviors and habits? It's hard to create change but it can be done. Start with getting help if you need it in an Individual Training, Counselor, Accountability Group or Mentor. Remember only you are responsible for how you treat and talk with others.