What do you want? This seems like a simple enough question. Do you want to go on a European vacation or stay local? Do you want a few inches of space between you and her when you're talking or do you want her closer, holding your hand? Do you want to stay home tonight or go see a movie? In fact, really knowing what we want can be a conundrum. Almost every facet of our development as social creatures involves incorporating the benefits and costs of having, knowing and expressing our wants. We grow up with relational templates that lead us to expect or predict other's responses to our wants. These implicit expectations influence how and even if we express our wants clearly and directly.

The interface between our own and our partner’s wants can be a fissure that divides or connective tissue that bonds. When we learn to express our wants directly, rather than circuitously, we are stepping into self-approval and giving our partner clear guidance about what pleases us most. Far from being selfish, understanding and approving of our own wants to the point where we can speak them with authority has the power to free our partner from the burden of trying to read our minds, make sense of our mixed signals, or guess at what will satisfy us.

What do you want? Can you allow yourself to want it? What gets in the way of wanting and expressing your wants clearly and directly?