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Listening

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It's so much more than a moment of grace or a recurring impulse or something that happens on its own when we gaze at our partner in silence as they speak. Listening requires will and intention. Though it can be easy to minimize it’s value and take it for granted, it serves us well to acknowledge its importance and take time to re-calibrate the emphasis we give it in our conversations. Listening is the embryonic fluid that allows our relationships to gestate and develop.

Harnessing our listening as a skill we call on and sustain, especially when it’s difficult, can create shifts in even the most seemingly unbridgeable emotional divides. If we habitually rely on the kind of listening that occurs spontaneously, in spurts, or when our own thoughts aren’t eclipsing our partners’ words and perspectives, we’ll find ourselves stranded in the early stages of intimacy.

Listening has more to do with the quality of our attention and with our desire to be present for someone than it does with our ears being receptive to sounds of words and their meanings. It can be supremely uncomfortable to temporarily suppress the thoughts that chomp at the bit of our self-containment and yet this is the prerequisite of true listening. Our ego must go into temporary and at least partial remission. Our own special views, analysis, two-cents, acumen, and savvy can be trained to wait in the wings as we permit our partner’s fullness to unfold in their own words, in their own time.

We learn to listen gradually. Active or reflective listening is a simple practice we can engage in to listen better, like doing scales when you’re intent on mastering the piano. At the same time, it’s an advanced practice, like weaving those scales into a symphony. Because it’s both easy and hard, practicing active or reflective listening can seem silly or unnatural initially, like asking someone to practice breathing. And yet reflecting back or paraphrasing what your partner says - even if only in your own mind as you focus on them - can deepen into the relational stance of honoring your separateness while acknowledging your interdependence.

Try it on a regular basis when your partner shares something. Set an intention to listen and be fully present, then rephrase some portion of what they just told you.

 
 
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