Occasionally I have a chance to step outside of my role as a teacher and speak openly about my experience as a long time practitioner. In a recent Sunday night Luohan class I opened the floor for questions and was surprised to have the flow lean towards how my process works for me. A student asked me how I step away from my busy mind. I said, "I do not." I'm not sure this was what the student expected to hear but it is the truth. To his furrowed brow I answered, "I can't step away from my nose, my body type, my ear shape, I cannot step away from my mind." Yes, I breathe, yes I practice detaching from all the thoughts but that is technique, it is not my practice. My practice is to stay present with my busy mind, even when the sirens won't stop.
Another student asked how she could stop obsessing about posture, making it perfect and so on and wondered I how work with that. For me, I only recently let go of obsessing over every little detail of my tight hip, neck and shoulder. Yes indeed the Taijiquan and Qigong method helps me gradually to change, relax and be more integrated, I trust it completely, rely on it over and over and over again, but method only is not my practice. My practice is to be with my body, warts and all, and staying there, whether I perceive change or not. Whether I obsess or not.
Most people start a practice with the intent to solve something that is amiss. At that moment the "if and then" equation comes into play; "If I learn Taiji/Qigong, then I will have less pain, less stress, more balance." Sure. But at some point, even that becomes a dead end. Just ask me how many students have come and how many have gone.
We who stay realize having a practice is more than just solving a problem. Much more. Having a practice is the art of staying with the problem, allowing not its solution but its layers to reveal themselves, over and over again. Having a practice is employing the fortitude to keep digging around in the dirt even if our fingers are cold and our hands are empty. Having a practice is staying tolerant and curious and patient when we just can't seem to solve the equation. Having a practice is somehow, some way finding the capacity to be mentally, emotionally and physically present and pliant so we can look at the math differently.
I enjoy tackling problems, seeing where their inquiry leads me - its like being a bit of a body/mind detective. Its very interesting to me. Less and less though does the notion of permanently solving the "if...then" equation drive me. If anything, my practice has certainly shown me how quickly problems and their apparent solutions rise and fall away and rise again. Everything changes. Trying to hold on to one solution or even its problem is pretty much crazy making. It is the root of suffering as far as I can tell. It has taken a while but I have rather come to favor the equation that begins with, "What if..." and ends with "I have no idea and may never will." Interestingly I find my body and my mind much more relaxed.
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