There's a hidden gap in our marriages. Like a hole in a bicycle tire, it's hard to see. We know something's off balance, the ride feels harder than it should be, but we don't know what's wrong. We ignore it, or blame someone, or just keep riding along until our relationship has gone completely flat. Over time, our inability to receive the love our partner offers us can reduce the likelihood of that love being offered as often. Ultimately, it can contribute to leaving us stranded and bereft.

When our partner smiles at us and we don't smile back, when they touch us and we criticize them, when they act on our behalf and we minimize their attentiveness, we widen the Receiving Gap. This works against us in a number of ways: 1) It decreases our partner's desire to express their love 2) It reinforces the story that our partner isn't good at loving 3) It hurts our partner as we fail to appreciate them 4) It sustains the myth of our own unworthiness.

To close the Receiving Gap we need to look at what prevents us from letting love in. Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt note in their book "Receiving Love" that taking love in involves giving up old identities. Although we may overtly want our partner's care and affection, we may also be habituated to view ourselves as someone who is perpetually anticipating satisfaction, stimulated by pathos, or unloved.

Receiving love requires us to get comfortable with the vulnerability inherent in receiving. This can stir up all kinds of feelings from the past: grief, fear, anger, sadness, and more. It's no small feat to receive love from another human being. Receiving is a great equalizer.

Notice the love that's right under your nose today and start closing the gap.