Get Your Self-Respect Back

by Dr. Valencia Agnew

Let’s face it. Sometimes you have done what you can to maintain a relationship and you realize it simply is not going to work. It is unhealthy for whatever reason. It may be you are being asked to go against your values, or the relationship is toxic, or some other reason. This is when FAST skills comes in handy. Think of FAST as a way to get out quick while maintaining your self-respect. Now I wish I could guarantee you will be respected, but this skill is designed for you to respect you.

Using the FAST skill is effective because it helps you manage your emotions and relationships. Have you ever been angry and gave someone a piece of your mind and later felt like you must have lost your mind? Ever regret how you handled the situation, even though you were justified in exiting the relationship? Did you feel a bit…or a lot of shame? And we all know there are some people who will completely disregard you if they believe you were out of order or “emotional.” Fast is about your integrity, regardless of the other person accepts your decision.

What is FAST?

DBT is famous for it’s acronyms and here is one more: be Fair, no Apologies, stick to Values, be Truthful.

Be Fair
Be fair to yourself and to the other person. Remember to validate your own feelings and wishes, as well as the feelings and wishes of the other person.

Don’t Over-Apologize
No apologizing for being alive or for making a request at all. No apologies for having an opinion, for disagreeing. No looking ashamed, with eyes and head down or body slumped. No invalidating the valid.

Stick to Your Values
Don’t sell out your values or integrity for reasons that aren’t very important. Be clear on what you believe is the moral or valued way of thinking and acting, and “stick to your guns.”

Be Truthful
Don’t lie. Don’t act helpless when you are not. Don’t exaggerate or make up excuses.

Your DBT Challenge:

This month, think about a situation in which you wish you had expressed yourself and been fair to both yourself and the other person. And yes, it is possible to be fair to the other person and completely do wrong by yourself. True fairness means being fair to yourself and the other person. Then think about if you made apologies when it was not yours to do. Maybe you didn’t apologize with your words, but your actions minimized your values (slumped, defeated look, head down). Ask yourself what are your values? What do you value and what is a deal breaker for you? What situations are okay for you to ignore your values? And if you ignore them, will you respect yourself in that moment? Next consider if you were truthful. For those of you who told the truth about the situation, did you tell the truth about how you felt? Did you discount or minimize yourself? Or did you tell a partial truth to make yourself look good?

If you could have a do over, what would it look like? See yourself leaving with self-respect and just maybe the other person will respect you too, but if not, it was really for you.

What will your story be when it’s your opportunity to use FAST?

Try some new skills out today! Did you enjoy this article from our archives? Send us an email (Office@AdolescentFamilyBHS.com) or share with us on Facebook what skills your tried.